Unmet Expectations and the ‘Presence’ of God

I remember as a young Christian, it seemed that God and I were connected at the hip. His presence was almost palpable as I moved through the day ‘listening’ for His ‘still small voice,’ or for that God given ‘impression’ that would guide my path and answer my questions. Prayer came easily, thanking God for His Son, for salvation, even for His presence in my life daily. God’s Word became a daily spiritual meal devoured by a spiritually starving soul for sustenance. I think I expected such connections would become a daily experience, a way of life that would last a lifetime. But it wasn’t long until the feelings waned, the prayers bounced off brass ceilings, and the hunger for the Word listed and sank under the weight of a thousand daily responsibilities, and pressures.

So, I worried about this for a long time! What had I done wrong to lose God’s presence? I heard well-meaning preachers and teachers explain that sin interrupted our relationship with God, and that God withdrew His presence from us because of our disobedience. But what sins? If I swore did God’s presence leave? If I failed to have a ‘quiet time’ for a day, or a week, or a month, would God withdraw in silence? Would anger or injustice or impure thoughts confine me to the lonely existence I just knew I deserved anyway?  These thoughts were maddening!

Feeling a burden that some might call the ‘dark night of the soul,’ I remember doing the unthinkable one Sunday while I was in Bible College. I skipped church! That was a violation of Holy Writ, and one of the reasons God would ‘spank’ me for sure by leaving me on my own. But I needed to figure this out. I was in a spiritual prison without doors or windows; locked in a cell of my own making. So I prayed, I read the Word of God, I begged for His presence, I confessed every sin I knew I had committed and a few I thought MAYBE I had committed. Still, nothing – no renewed feeling of intimacy, no deepening sense of His presence, and certainly no idea of the promised peace, and joy that is supposed to be available to God’s children, at least not that I could tell. In the midst of such seeking God didn’t seem interested. I began to wonder how I would even know if He did show up in some tangible way, and what that might look like. I didn’t really know what to expect, I only knew that my expectations of intimacy with God, of a greater sense of His presence, went mostly unanswered that day. I say mostly, because there was one small inkling of an answer, It didn’t come through a still small voice, or through an inner impression, and definitely not through an audible word! It came through reading a Bible verse, a verse I’m sure God ‘lead’ me to find that day. It was from the Book of St Paul to the Romans. Romans 14:23, “…for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” A light came on for me, though both dim and flickering! I suspected the problem I was having ‘hearing’ God had something to do with my lack of faith, but I wasn’t sure what that meant either. A more mature brother explained something to me later that helped a little because it challenged my premise that this nebulous ‘sense of God’s presence’ was necessary at all.

He told me that our relationship with God as new Christians was like the relationship between a mother and her newborn. When a baby first enters this world, the need for mom’s presence is almost constant. Eating, sleeping, burping, changing – all handled for a totally dependent child by a loving mother who rocks the child, sings to the child, hugs her baby, pinches cheeks, and coos for hours out of unconditional love. As the child grows, the necessity for mom’s presence at all times lessens with each stage of growth until the day comes when the need for mom’s tangible presence is no longer needed by the child who simply knows she is always there when needed. That’s an analogy of our relationship with God. As young believers we need the constant reassurance that God is with us, but as we grow, the need to ‘sense’ His hand upon our shoulder isn’t as great and is understood by faith alone whether we ‘feel’ it or not.

While my friend’s explanation assuaged my ‘thirst’ somewhat, and settled my spirit at the time, since that day, for more than forty-five years, I have often undertaken to return to the intimacy with God I had once known, or at least thought I had known.

Have you ever longed for a greater sense of God’s presence? Has your heart reached out for a more intimate ‘relationship’ with the Lord? Many times, I too have wanted ‘more’ of Him, though, honestly, I’ve never been real sure what that would look like, or how I would know I had achieved this intimacy, or presence, or personal relationship that so many people talk about in books and blogs.

I read John Eldredge’s book, Walking with God, which offers help in ‘communicating’ with God daily, even moment by moment. Honestly, his experience was so distant from mine, I wasn’t sure how to react. Though I didn’t (and still don’t) dismiss his experience, I didn’t expect that I would ever get there myself. Maybe there is room in God’s kingdom for us both, but my receptors were clogged! I couldn’t tell if God was ‘speaking’ to me, or if I was experiencing a digestive incident. The way I settled Mr. Eldredge’s experience for me was to decide that if God ever did speak to me, SURELY, I COULD EXPECT THE SOVEREIGN GOD OF THE UNIVERSE TO SUCCEED! He would make sure to speak, and I would KNOW IT!   Today, I still would like to, as John Eldredge says on his website to, “…experience this Jesus intimately, daily, in these very ways [like the disciples during Jesus’ lifetime]. You can know the comfort of his actual presence, hear his voice speaking to you, receive healing of your brokenness. You can live as he did.” https://wildatheart.org/story/jesus-really/beautiful-outlaw

These days I find comfort in intimacy with God’s Word, because it is in His Word that God most surely reveals His presence! I know this because of another verse, a verse upon which I now stand – “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Heb 13:5 NKJ) As I write this, I noticed, maybe for the first time, the beginning of the verse, “let your conduct be without covetousness…” Could it be that my desire for a sense of God’s presence, or to have a tangible personal ‘relationship’ of hearing from God outside of His revealed Word is a form of covetousness, and a lack of contentment with God’s promise to never leave, nor forsake me as His child? Hmmm. I expect so, I really do!